Thomas Wolfe wrote a book entitled, “You
can’t go home again.” Well, I say you can go home, but you have to eat a lot of
crow!
I grew up in a very small town in a
very rural area. When I was 18, (well, as soon as I was old enough to know the
difference between “city” and “country”) I wanted out of there as soon as
possible. I was convinced that If I could just get out of the country, life
would be better. And by better I mean, more exciting, more fun, more cultural,
more anything but country. The country…
where my school has a day off every year for the first day of buck season,
where kids actually drove to school with shotguns and rifles in the windows of
their trucks, where kids were known to actually drive their tractors to school.
Not the lawn riding mower tractors either… The real deal “go plow a field” kind
of tractor. Where there were actually notices posted at the doors of the school
in raining weather to scrape the mud off your boots before entering the
building! My graduating class had approximately 70 kids. Those 60-70 kids were
the same ones that you started Pre-school with.
When your school is that small, you tend to get a reputation early on
and it sticks with you the whole way through your 12 (sometimes more in our
area!) years of school. That beings
said, I was never a popular kid. I had my group of friends who were two years
older than I was. When they graduated, leaving me in 10th grade… I
was pretty much alone. (Please note, this isn’t a “feel bad for me” story… it
is simply to illustrate a point). I didn’t
really make friends easily because everyone around me had their friends. There
were a couple of school activities that kept me going, one in particular… music.
Music was always something that I picked up easily and was good at. Then early
in my junior year, the music teacher changed and the program went down will
with amazing speed. I was so angry! The one thing that I loved to do and was
good at… that made me feel like I had worth and an accepted place!... was gone.
I got really mean and snotty to basically everyone. I got a huge chip on my
shoulder and didn’t treat people very well. I was MAD and I unfortunately showed
it.
So, what the point to this 40 minute
monologue? Well, I graduated, moved away, grew up, got married, etc. Basically
I figured out who I wanted to be in life. I met people and gradually figured
out that I am not the social reject that I always thought I was. Fast forward a few years and it’s time to have
kids. At the time, my husband and I were living in the “city” that I thought
was so amazing. Turns out it isn’t that amazing after all (Surprise, surprise!)
and we wanted to move back to the country. To the same country community where
I grew up. I found out that I really do love this country living after all…
turns out the grass is not so green elsewhere.
We moved back and started to
interact with the community where I grew up. I have been back for 4 years now
and have become reacquainted to several people that I knew when I was younger. I recently had an experience with someone (a
then young teacher, now a lovely woman with kids the same age as mine) that I treated
badly when I was in high school. She said something like, “Wow! You’re a nice
person now.” It was said without sarcasm
and almost in an amazed way. I felt awful. I’m almost in tears writing this. I
was hurting so badly at that time period
of my life that I didn’t care who I hurt in return. All that mattered was
getting out SOON and protecting what little bit of myself was left. I am deeply ashamed for my behavior at that
time of my life and greatly wish I could take it back. For all those people that I was rude to,
mean, snotty, condemning, judgmental, or otherwise… I apologize. I did not know
how horrible I was until I was
fixed.
So as it turns out… you can go home
again. You just have to eat a LOT of crow.
Aw, honey! You have always been a nice person, but you've always also been unafraid to say what's on your mind. Some people don't know how to take that. I'm glad you feel happier where you are now, and I'm sending you virtual hugs from NYC! (I love the city, but I do miss the country!)
ReplyDeleteHopefully some day I'll have enough vacay time to come visit your clan on the mountain and help with some of the homesteading chores!